Thursday, 28 August 2014

Doing the Splits with Arnold Schwarzenegger


Earlier this month I spent some time practicing flexibility in my lower body. I did this whilst reading the shortest book in a huge pile of books that I haven't got around to reading yet. This book was the James Bond novel On Her Majesty's Secret Service. 

I made a fair bit of progress with the splits, although it will take some time before I have Van-Damme-like agility.

 

Well, you never know when it'll be handy, do you? Hence, I'm going to dive straight back into flexibility- only this time I'll turn to another muscle-bound action-movie icon. The largest book in my to-read pile is Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story, the autobiography of Arnold Schwarzenegger. I found it in The Works bookshop for £2. Bargain!


20 minutes or so a night should set me in good stead.

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Gammon and Parsley Sauce


One of the things I find difficult to convey to people is that when you have memory difficulties, it isn't just “forgetting things” that is the problem- it's sometimes plain “not thinking of things in the first place”. This particularly happens when there are a number of stages to a set task like, for instance, cooking a meal.

My advice if you're in the same mental boat as me: read the instructions from beginning to end before you go to the shop. You'll notice that not every cookbook author thinks through what they're instructing. In their book The Hairy Dieters, Si King and Dave Myers serve their gammon with potatoes- a staple part of most healthy meals- but as they didn't include it in the ingredients list, I didn't write it down. They mention veg right at the end of the recipe, so I bunged on some frozen veg, meaning I had to turn the heat right down on the gammon and simmer it for a ridiculously long time.

The recipe serves 4, but as I was eating alone I figured I could half that and eat it over 2 days. That didn't happen. I halved it and mullered the lot, drowning the gammon in sauce.

The recipe recommends serving with fresh parsley. Tesco's parsley comes in a packet that I knew I wouldn't get through, so I bought a pot of the dried herb and sprinkled that on. Probably not as healthy.

I'd recommend not being a tight bastard and not buying value gammon from Tesco. You'll just end up cutting off the stringy fat. You get what you pay for.

After all that, though, the meat and the sauce tasted quite nice.

Saturday, 23 August 2014

Doing the Splits with James Bond

This month I decided to work on flexibility. I wanted to attempt the splits over the course of a few days, and whilst sat with my legs out and open in front of me. I also wanted to get some reading done. I picked out the smallest book out of a pile of unread books: On Her Majesty's Secret Service, a James Bond novel by Ian Fleming.

I've read a couple of Bond books, so I knew what I was in for. And I've seen the dodgy movie adaptation starring the forgettable George Lazenby.


More of the same from Fleming: a professional killer, heartless and chauvinist, tries to look after a beautiful but reckless young woman under orders of her gangster father. She leads him to a criminal mastermind who threatens the world. It's an entertaining read, though, and more believable than a few others. It's also the book in which we see Bond's icy persona- unlike the backdrop of the wintertime Alps- start to melt.

To do this project properly, you will need a doorway with enough wall space on either side of it to place your feet. Sit with your knees straight and feet apart, point your thumbs down and grip on to the door frame. You'll also need a cushion under your backside unless you have an incredibly thick, soft carpet. Wear socks so your feet slide against the gloss of the skirting board. Butt-scoot in as your flexibility increases.

I started at 150cm (4'11) between my heels- the exact distance that I ended up with the last time I attempted the splits. This time I stretched to 158cm (5'2) at the peak of my ability. This was maybe half way through the book. So. If I can stretch 8cm every 250 pages (the length of On Her Majesty's Secret Service), reading another book the same size would give me- in theory- the extra 8cm (3 inches) I need to do the splits fully. But only if I continue practicing with no break...

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

I am going to bench 100Kg.



I've been doing weights since I was 17. About 3 times in my life I've managed to bench 95Kg. Not bad for someone who- at the time, at least, was under 70Kg himself.

Now, I'm older and a little more out of shape. I'm dropping bombs at boxing but my fitness isn't what it was. Fitness will come in time, but for the next few weeks- however long it will take- I will smash the seated chest press until I can get 10 reps on the 20th plate: 100Kg.

In order to do this, I'll need to eat less shit, eat more protein and vegetables, and sleep better. No more reduced items in Tesco. No more Crazy Caramels. More porridge. More meat. If I do all this, I'll hit my target in 2 months. Starting today.

Saturday, 16 August 2014

Published: Take Note


This story started life as a warmup exercise at Writers Connect. Leader Oz asked us to close our eyes. Imagine we're stood in a country garden. We follow a garden path through the estate. We enter a large house through the back door. We find ourselves in a kitchen. On the work surface, there's a note. Oz then suggested we continue the story.

The story went through a few drafts, again through advice from Writers Connect, then ended up in the form you will see it / hear it in now. The Open Road Review is an audiovisual magazine. The editor asked me to record a readout of the story to go alongside the text, which was fun to do. I hope you enjoy it whether you read or listen! Check it out here.

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Repping Out Review


I decided to mix up my gym routine this month. Instead of relentlessly smashing the heaviest weights possible, I spent the last 5 weeks performing as many reps as I could, using my own body weight, to increase endurance. I focussed on 6 movements, with some improvements:

10-minute cross-trainer: no new personal bests.
Bicep chinups: 1 rep added to PB
Dips: 2 reps added to PB
Cable crunch with metal handle lifting 50Kg: 60 reps added to PB
Cable crunch with rope handle lifting 50Kg: 50 reps added to PB
Wide grip chinups: no new PBs.

I could possibly have done better was I not a chronic insomniac. Well, you can't have everything. Also, 6 movements is a very broad selection considering I was trying to hammer the same muscles to see an improvement. Next time I do a project like this, I'll not just eat healthier but try to focus on eating more protein.

Monday, 11 August 2014

And the Award for Strangest Toilet Graffiti Goes To...

The Gas Lamp, a bar I found listed in I Love Manchester's “Hidden and Secret Bars” article.


It also has an impressive top row for all you whisky lovers- and quirky suit-wearers- out there. Not normally the type of bar I'd leap at going to, but it's certainly original, a compact den but spacious enough for everyone to sit down. The toilets were clean enough; old fashioned but with new wave ideology scrawled on the painted breeze block.




That's “Greek arse products”, “I am bread” and “Elvis lives”.